I have these moment lately.    They happen when I'm awake, the weird part is, as I'm doing whatever it is I'm doing, or not doing, it literally feels like the moment you are startled awake from a nap.  I even find myself giving a little gasp, like I just remembered an important appointment while in the middle of a deep nap.

And in the moment I feel like I remembered.  I gasp because I almost forgot.  And now I have remembered.  This is a vital time for me, but I've been living as if it's a bad time, a hard time and I suddenly remember  it is ripe and juicy and I'm wasting it.  Like an appointment with destiny I just remembered.  And suddenly I am called into presence and truth.   It's as if some part of me has awakened but I keep falling back to sleep, caught in the human, meaningless fears and details of where I find myself; where I worry and plan how to stay safe and well.  Where I try to figure out my unforeseeable future.   That asleep place is so painful and scary and it swallows me, over and over.

Today what awoke me was what I read on a FB post, which aligned with a conversation I had with my Beloved, in which I confessed the beginning of an understanding that there was fear underneath what I was labeling loneliness.   That perhaps if I sat alone in silence, with my loneliness, underneath may emerge important knowledge.  This is what I read that struck me to the core.

"Dropping into the body, into this wide open, empty space can seem terrifying, because it is so unknown. The reference points you have previously sought refuge in to organize your life – including your most sacred spiritual beliefs – are nowhere to be found. There is no complaining here, no resentment, no 'understanding' - not even any 'transformation' or 'healing' as you have come to think of these things. Nothing is 'unhealed' or in need of transformation. Just raw, naked, experience, free from interpretation.
The body is an invitation, an entryway into the freedom, love, and vastness that you are. For it is out of this alive, pregnant mandala of creativity that flow the qualities of kindness, wild compassion, attunement, and presence. This is what you are. "  -Matt Licata



This afternoon when I "awoke", I recognized the feeling.  It had the exact same quality and sense of time I experienced during my 3 day Vision quest.   It's like I've been on Day 1 VQ since June when I got the diagnosis of Lyme disease.   On Day 1 of VQ I worried how I would pass the time.  How on earth would I spend three whole days alone with nothing to do?  It felt big and unknown and overwhelming.  I questioned my decision, but then I was so so tired I would fall back to sleep.  I was in and out of sleep all day that first day, but by the time the sun began to sink in the sky, I was filled with a sense of urgency.  I realized how fast time was going, how fortunate I was to be there, and knew instantly that I mus-nt waste or take this time for granted.  Suddenly ONLY 3 days seemed like not enough.   I wanted time to slow down, way down, so I didn't miss a moment of it.  I savored the rest of the time.  Not a moment passed without gratitude and it felt like holding a ripe juicy peach, the juice running between my fingers and down my wrists as I took each bite of time into myself.

Today I'm groggy.  I've had a flaring of some of my Lyme symptoms, which includes some marked insomnia.  Tired of not sleeping I took and extra muscle relaxant and a pain pill before bed.   I slept like a rock, comparatively, but today my head swims and my eyes have trouble staying open.  But I am awake.  I have awoken again, to the sacredness of this solitariness.  I stand in solidarity with my knowledge that this time alone, confined to this place is a place and space where there are no bounds on my mind.  I am free. 

.Being Shaped by others

Though the earth is touched by everything alive, it never stops turning around the fire at it's center, and though we are touched by the stories of strangers and the far-off songs of birds lost in wind, we find our way by following spirit's voice at our center.  Too much is lost in waiting for someone else to tell us what moves us is real."  Mark Nepo

This being fully myself and centered has evolved so much the last 18 years.  When I was diagnosed with cancer at age 30 I was a waif of a person.  Living a life that was prescribed to me. I found great joy in the being a mom part.  The wife...not so much...but mostly because of the partnership, or the lack thereof.  Even though a ring was on my finger it felt empty and confusing.  My entire identity was wound around trying to figure out how to please and keep peace.  How to stop pissing him off and what I had done or could do to make it better....besides a sex object.  I had quickly tired of that role.  I craved and longed for a partner.   It was true; I was growing a quiet, deep resentment that this man would rarely lift a finger to help with kids or home, and when he did the expectation of worship only increased.  Slowly, resentfully, sadly....I took it all on rather than do the power struggle.  In hindsight I see that I chose it.  All of it.  It was really all I had ever seen so how could I have chosen otherwise?  I was surrounded by passive-aggressive women who wore martyr like a runway model; but played syrupy sweet on the outside.  Truth was, I wanted to be in charge of it all, was a control freak and married a man that would give that to me and allow me to blame him at the same time. 

Cancer made me brave.  Cancer doesn't mess around.  As I watched the toxic, orange, caustic fluid enter the vein in my arm, it was almost like the blood of Goddess Kali seeping into me.  No more!!!!  I would no longer live as a quiet, submissive girl.  It woke me up hard and fast.  Suddenly, playing small and quiet didn't seem like such a good idea considering the tumors surrounded the parts of my body that I'd squelched and protected; walled off.  I knew instinctively that squelching and shutting down were responsible for the dis-ease.   I knew beyond a doubt I had to stop it.  I "warned" J that I had to speak my feelings and my truth.  I told him and every cell in my body knew it was true.   It WAS a matter of life and death.

I spent years learning to walk that line between quiet and bitch.