.Being Shaped by others

Though the earth is touched by everything alive, it never stops turning around the fire at it's center, and though we are touched by the stories of strangers and the far-off songs of birds lost in wind, we find our way by following spirit's voice at our center.  Too much is lost in waiting for someone else to tell us what moves us is real."  Mark Nepo

This being fully myself and centered has evolved so much the last 18 years.  When I was diagnosed with cancer at age 30 I was a waif of a person.  Living a life that was prescribed to me. I found great joy in the being a mom part.  The wife...not so much...but mostly because of the partnership, or the lack thereof.  Even though a ring was on my finger it felt empty and confusing.  My entire identity was wound around trying to figure out how to please and keep peace.  How to stop pissing him off and what I had done or could do to make it better....besides a sex object.  I had quickly tired of that role.  I craved and longed for a partner.   It was true; I was growing a quiet, deep resentment that this man would rarely lift a finger to help with kids or home, and when he did the expectation of worship only increased.  Slowly, resentfully, sadly....I took it all on rather than do the power struggle.  In hindsight I see that I chose it.  All of it.  It was really all I had ever seen so how could I have chosen otherwise?  I was surrounded by passive-aggressive women who wore martyr like a runway model; but played syrupy sweet on the outside.  Truth was, I wanted to be in charge of it all, was a control freak and married a man that would give that to me and allow me to blame him at the same time. 

Cancer made me brave.  Cancer doesn't mess around.  As I watched the toxic, orange, caustic fluid enter the vein in my arm, it was almost like the blood of Goddess Kali seeping into me.  No more!!!!  I would no longer live as a quiet, submissive girl.  It woke me up hard and fast.  Suddenly, playing small and quiet didn't seem like such a good idea considering the tumors surrounded the parts of my body that I'd squelched and protected; walled off.  I knew instinctively that squelching and shutting down were responsible for the dis-ease.   I knew beyond a doubt I had to stop it.  I "warned" J that I had to speak my feelings and my truth.  I told him and every cell in my body knew it was true.   It WAS a matter of life and death.

I spent years learning to walk that line between quiet and bitch.