I have these moment lately.    They happen when I'm awake, the weird part is, as I'm doing whatever it is I'm doing, or not doing, it literally feels like the moment you are startled awake from a nap.  I even find myself giving a little gasp, like I just remembered an important appointment while in the middle of a deep nap.

And in the moment I feel like I remembered.  I gasp because I almost forgot.  And now I have remembered.  This is a vital time for me, but I've been living as if it's a bad time, a hard time and I suddenly remember  it is ripe and juicy and I'm wasting it.  Like an appointment with destiny I just remembered.  And suddenly I am called into presence and truth.   It's as if some part of me has awakened but I keep falling back to sleep, caught in the human, meaningless fears and details of where I find myself; where I worry and plan how to stay safe and well.  Where I try to figure out my unforeseeable future.   That asleep place is so painful and scary and it swallows me, over and over.

Today what awoke me was what I read on a FB post, which aligned with a conversation I had with my Beloved, in which I confessed the beginning of an understanding that there was fear underneath what I was labeling loneliness.   That perhaps if I sat alone in silence, with my loneliness, underneath may emerge important knowledge.  This is what I read that struck me to the core.

"Dropping into the body, into this wide open, empty space can seem terrifying, because it is so unknown. The reference points you have previously sought refuge in to organize your life – including your most sacred spiritual beliefs – are nowhere to be found. There is no complaining here, no resentment, no 'understanding' - not even any 'transformation' or 'healing' as you have come to think of these things. Nothing is 'unhealed' or in need of transformation. Just raw, naked, experience, free from interpretation.
The body is an invitation, an entryway into the freedom, love, and vastness that you are. For it is out of this alive, pregnant mandala of creativity that flow the qualities of kindness, wild compassion, attunement, and presence. This is what you are. "  -Matt Licata



This afternoon when I "awoke", I recognized the feeling.  It had the exact same quality and sense of time I experienced during my 3 day Vision quest.   It's like I've been on Day 1 VQ since June when I got the diagnosis of Lyme disease.   On Day 1 of VQ I worried how I would pass the time.  How on earth would I spend three whole days alone with nothing to do?  It felt big and unknown and overwhelming.  I questioned my decision, but then I was so so tired I would fall back to sleep.  I was in and out of sleep all day that first day, but by the time the sun began to sink in the sky, I was filled with a sense of urgency.  I realized how fast time was going, how fortunate I was to be there, and knew instantly that I mus-nt waste or take this time for granted.  Suddenly ONLY 3 days seemed like not enough.   I wanted time to slow down, way down, so I didn't miss a moment of it.  I savored the rest of the time.  Not a moment passed without gratitude and it felt like holding a ripe juicy peach, the juice running between my fingers and down my wrists as I took each bite of time into myself.

Today I'm groggy.  I've had a flaring of some of my Lyme symptoms, which includes some marked insomnia.  Tired of not sleeping I took and extra muscle relaxant and a pain pill before bed.   I slept like a rock, comparatively, but today my head swims and my eyes have trouble staying open.  But I am awake.  I have awoken again, to the sacredness of this solitariness.  I stand in solidarity with my knowledge that this time alone, confined to this place is a place and space where there are no bounds on my mind.  I am free.